I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
