Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
