I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
