I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
