If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
