a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
