look no pants
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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