Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
