I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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