she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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