if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
