He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
