im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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