you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need to sanitize my soul.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
