I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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