he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
