I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
