maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
