Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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