Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
