My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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