i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
