boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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