soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
