Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
no you cant smoke seaweed
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
