someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
