My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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