I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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