i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
its liver damage thursday
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
