I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize