Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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