Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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