Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
