I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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