Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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