I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
