Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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