If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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