Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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