my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am midnight drunk by noon
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
