What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
