Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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