Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
