So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
