your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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