filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
