fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
