Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
