the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
