**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
