There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
