I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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