I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
