She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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