trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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