hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
